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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone Sheila Heen
Get Free Ebook Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone Sheila Heen
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Review
“Does this book deliver on its promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether ‘with your babysitter or your biggest client’? It does.”—The New York Times“These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice.”—Booklist“I’m on my third reading. Half the pages are dog-eared. This is a mind-bogglingly powerful book. For life.”—Tom Peters“A user-friendly guide to mastering the talks we dread . . . a keeper.”—Fast Company “Emotional intelligence applied to life’s toughest moments.”—Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence“The only people who shouldn’t read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people, anywhere.”—Peter M. Senge, bestselling author of The Fifth Discipline“How do you confront your ex-spouse who’s late picking up the kids? How do you tell a client their project took longer than expected and the bill is twice as high? How do you say ‘I’m sorry’? Start by picking up Difficult Conversations.”—Citizen“Difficult Conversations will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives.”—Library Journal“Stone, Patton, and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format.”—Publishers Weekly“The central insights of Difficult Conversations so resonate with common sense that it is easy to overlook just how remarkable of a book it is . . . a must-read.”—Harvard Negotiation Law Review“Examples more clear-headed and advice more precise than we’ve seen before.”—Dallas Morning News“Stone, Patton, and Heen have written an extremely clear and unpretentious exposition of how to develop effective communication skills and a guide to achieving openness and constructive outcomes in dialogue . . . this book is, and probably for some time to come will be definitive.”—Southern Communication Journal
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About the Author
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have been consultants to businesspeople, governments, organizations, communities, and individuals around the world, and have written on negotiation and communication in publications ranging from the New York Times to Parents magazine. Bruce Patton is also a co-author of Getting to Yes. Each of them lives in Boston, Massachusetts.Stone and Heen are the authors of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and Frankly, You're Not in the Mood) (Viking/Penguin, 2014)Roger Fisher is the Samuel Williston Professor of Law Emeritus, Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project, and the founder of two consulting organizations devoted to strategic advice and negotiation training.
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Product details
Paperback: 352 pages
Publisher: Penguin Books; Anniversary, Updated edition (November 2, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780143118442
ISBN-13: 978-0143118442
ASIN: 0143118447
Product Dimensions:
5.1 x 0.6 x 7.7 inches
Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
578 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#1,394 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
For several years I've been working in psychotherapy to actually feel my anger - and use it productively so that people don't walk all over me. I used to be such a people-pleaser, i didn't even know when I was angry... and then I would unknowingly turn all my anger on myself - in the form of depression and self-criticism. It can still take awhile for me to realize when I don't like something and am annoyed or frustrated. And when I get angry, I can still become very anxious so it's tempting to vent, thinking I'm so entitled and right. But venting always turns out bad. Now I'm committed to becoming aware when I don't like something - sooner and sooner - and setting boundary or at least expressing what I don't like. Enter this book. It is helping me do all the is MUCH more gracefully. At first I just wanted to set a boundary. Sometimes it came out harsh. Now I understand the importance of staying calm, compassionate and connected with the other person when expressing my likes and dislikes as well as when negotiating and compromising - and staying friends during the whole process! I'm still learning. And reading the book. I'm not depressed anymore. Really. It's really great.
Very basic info. The conversations presented were not ones I would consider difficult as they only require basic counseling skills. For me difficult conversations would be things like addressing insubordination at work or having to tell a family member that they or someone they love has a terminal illness. Glad I got the book on a kindle sale for 1.99......wasn't what I was hoping for.
As part of self improvement for communication skills I was encouraged by my manager to read this book. At first, I was hesitant because I had just read another (worth reading) book along a similar subject "Crucial Conversations" and because I didn't believe I had another 272 pages left to learn about conversations. I wasn't into this book a full chapter before I understood this book was going to be worth reading.This book should not be kept as a secret tool that successful people use to further their ambitions. I believe that this information should be shared broadly even if in a watered down version. I will be so bold even to say this should be a part of high school curriculum. The more any group of people are implementing these principles the more productive that group will be.
By far one of the best books I've read about communications no matter what type of difficult conversation you're having. It breaks down the conversation, especially what's not explicitly expressed and then gives you ways to communicate going forward. There are plenty of examples and ideas how to communicate what feels vulnerable, but ultimately leads to better understanding overall.
This audiobook is really good, it is read by the 3 authors, and they role play a lot of different types of conversations which is very helpful as opposed to just reading the book in your head with the one narrative voice you have. Plus if you have specific difficult conversations that you need to have in mind when listening to the examples you can pull the overall meaning of what they are getting at and apply it to your situation. Of course the examples that are super close to the conversations that you need to have are the best to listen role played out. :)
I wouldn't think of this as a self-help book, but instead a must-read for anyone involved in business, management, or finding themselves misunderstood/misrepresented in their daily life. I wasn't sure what to expect, knowing that it was authored by some heavy hitters, but the book was easy to read, digest, and apply to situations. The framework reminds you to consider what's true vs. what's important to those you interact with, and to clearly state your interpretations while listening for others.
Do you find yourself stewing silently, letting anger and resentment build, because you're avoiding the discomfort of a difficult conversation? Do you have that one relative or colleague with whom every effort to communicate results in disaster? Before you give up, give this book a try. It provides very specific guidance on how to initiate and the most challenging of conversations and steer them away from disaster.Difficult conversations are a normal part of life - we have them with friends, colleagues, relatives, in a variety of settings. Examples of conversations discussed are breaking up in a relationship, asking for a raise, dealing with an ex on child-related issues, dealing with perceived racism at work, dealing with perceived poor workmanship. This is the stuff of everyday life.The authors contend that each difficult conversation is really three conversations - one involves what happened, one involves feelings, and the third involves self-identity.WHAT HAPPENED? With respect to what happened, we need to be open to and curious about another person's perception of what happened, instead of clinging to our own version of the truth. The authors caution us not to speculate about others' intents, be genuinely curious about the other person's perspective, and embrace the "and stance." You may be right and they may be right. Don't assume that all of they stories are mutually exclusive. We need to focus on contributions to the situation, not blame, and try to understand our own roles in contributing to the conflict. Being unapproachable, avoiding conflict, and allowing a bad situation to remain unchecked are all forms of contribution.FEELINGS. Feelings should be expressed and described carefully, without judging, blaming, or attributing. When we don't share our feelings, we are depriving other persons of an opportunity to learn how their behavior impacts us. Keeping our feelings to ourselves really keeps us out of the relationship and makes problem-solving more difficult.IDENTITY. This discussion was the most enlightening part of the book for me. The authors contend that difficult conversations threaten our own identity, because they may require us to say something that is inconsistent with our own self-image. I can't fire someone, because I am a nice person and a nice person wouldn't cause someone to lose his job. I can't admit I made a mistake because I am a competent professional who doesn't deliver shoddy work. I can't confront my child's teacher because I'm not one of those pain-in-the-rear parents who try to run the school. I can't ask for a raise - what if my boss tells me that I'm not performing as well as my colleagues. Identity issues can cause us to be in denial, and we can allow others' feedback to define us. The trick here is again, to embrace the "and stance." Know that others may perceive us differently that we perceive ourselves; both perceptions are reality. We can be a nice person and at the same time fire someone.The authors also note that the other party to a conversation has an identity, also, and we must be mindful of our comments that shake their identity.APPROACHING THE CONVERSATION.After discussing the "three conversations," the authors outline how to approach the difficult conversation. Is this issue even worth raising? If so, you want to learn the other party's story, express your own feelings, and seek a path forward.The best starting point is from the "third story" - how a neutral mediator might describe the situation. When we begin within our own story, we trigger defensiveness from the start. The authors discuss a number of listening and inquiry skills - nothing new in substance, but the presentation makes lots of sense and is always grounded in real-world examples. There are concrete tips for speaking clearly and remaining in control of our emotions in an imbalanced situation.Throughout the book, there are plenty of examples, nearly all of them common situations. The authors describe a conversation that gets off to a rotten start, and then show how you can reframe and redirect the conversation down a more productive path. It's very subtle and particularly enlightening.Overall, this is a highly readable, very good book, one that I believe will be more valuable after several readings.
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